consumed

yet again, i find my mind overly consumed by thoughts about my dream boy. sigh. what can i do? part of me hates his guts for being kind of an asshole, but another part of me that loves a challenge resolves itself to insisting that one day he will be mine and is more determined than ever to make that a reality. it's so bad, i know. especially when i just suck at relationships and love in general.

why on Earth and how in the world did it happen to be that we end up neighbors? a big, deep part of me believes there is something in that. just as a part of me, months before, realized there was something really there that i felt so drawn to this stranger in the first place. i believe there's something bigger than me at play here, and i'm very curious about it.

my job is the most important thing in my life to me, and i can't give myself entirely to anyone else right now. i just can't help that i also happen to be totally, rebelliously boy-crazy. i want my cake and i want some cute boys to play with on the side. i don't think i will ever get married to anyone, and i'm really okay with that. all I want out of that institution is the big party and beautiful gown that i get to party in.

now. what to do about the boy i'm currently dating that's all and well, but he's just getting a little too attached at my seams? he's fun for now, and I suppose i'll just keep him until something better comes along, however i don't want to hurt him. i'm confused about that one, and i just can never read him accurately.

i'm exercising again and my new, close gym has yoga, which is great. i have to say i'm starting to feel quite a bit better than i have in the past month, which is a very welcome change. things were getting scary dark for me.

now, i just need a lot of focus and drive to carry me through the next two and a half month. i need to stick to my schedule, and routine. not let my fear of not attaining perfection keep me procrastinating or holding back from anything at all in life.

the irony or all ironies

so, not only have I been increasingly coincidentally running into the dream boy i asked out two months ago, but it seems apparent that he lives on my street. or his girlfriend does.

the reason i asked him out was because i was leaving Dumbo, and figured i'd probably never see him again. now he fucking ends up living on the street of my new place?!!

i'm pretty sure he thinks i'm stalking him. hahahaha. oh, god. well, i know i'm not staying here longer than one year if i survive the toxic smells in this apartment without dying from carbon monoxide poisoning.

it's just beyond ironic, that's all. he's probably scared to see me. whatever. his loss, truly.

deflated

I hate mornings when I wake up and just feel plain bad. They're usually mornings after days or evenings when I've eaten too much. I wake up feeling the stretching of my skin and it hurts. I feel depressed this morning, empty and just like a horrible person in general. I think suicidal thoughts, even though I know I'd never carry them out. I also think about self-harming and how maybe i should become a cutter or something. Like that's a good choice decision that I should just decide to become. I wouldn't. I don't think. It's just one of those dark mornings, and usually mornings are my favorite part of the day. Not these. I feel at the lowest of lows.

Then the thoughts of how I should just stop feeding myself and eating entirely sweep into my brain. It seems like a reasonable solution. I hate myself enough; why not just waste myself away? At least I'd be thin and attractive again until I disappeared completely off the face of the earth.

The only problem with that is at the moment I have this insatiable appetite and urge to put food in my mouth at all times. I know that if I ride it out, eventually it'll get easier and that urge will also die off. It's like depriving a flame of oxygen.

It may be a dark road to venture down, but honestly I'd choose that path over this one of tremendous shame and self-hatred. Is this the moment of reopening that gate and wandering down that road for awhile again? Maybe for good? Honestly, anything is better than how I feel at this moment. The pain of being in this body at this moment is excruciating.

sunday

Sundays are always hard for me for some reason. I think it goes way back to me hating Sundays as a kid because it always meant that it was a school night with the most dreaded school day of the week (Monday) to follow suit. Then when I worked for other companies, it was the same story.

Somehow, now eventhough days of the week should have NO significance to me since I work for myself and work pretty much every day...my lingering hangups about this day of the week still strangely hover about.

If anything, I think I should anticipate Mondays and be excited for them, because for me that means if I want to go shopping or Ikea or anywhere else, I have these places practically to myself. I needn't brave the crowds like everyone else has to on the weekend.

I'm finding myself today, still with the compulsion to eat/overeat. This has followed in from last night's episode. I'm not sure exactly what happened but I think it stems from my fear of rejection and loneliness. I cancelled on the boy, stayed in, but then got these ideas that I just KNEW he was cheating on me and how I could and would NEVER trust him. So I justified my night in spent by baking myself cookies and shoving them into my mouth, one warm cookie after another, before I realized I had eaten nearly the whole tray. In my horror and disgust I then tried to purge them, but that wasn't going well, and it just made me feel that much worse as I remembered how I never wanted to ever do that again. Ever.

How can one great afternoon and day so quickly get derailed into a horribly destructive evening?
I mean, it's beyond frustrating. It's frightening to me. All that positivity and goodness feels like it just gets cancelled and wiped out. And it doesn't prevent me from having a night or day like this. It seems almost...what the hell is the point in trying anymore if I know I'm only going to turn around and sabotage my success?

Why do I do that? Why do I ALWAYS do that? I'm doing well, climbing so high, higher than I have been in awhile then SMACK I'm falling back down and landing hard on my ass. After so many times, it gets harder to get back up again. It feels hopeless at times like right now. Times like now, when I opt to go make myself some pancakes.

some time later....
okay. I have a little more insight and I think I understand what this one was about: yes, loneliness. I have a fear of ending up lonely. Ironically, it's this fear that sometimes leads me to push people away, and further isolate myself, while meanwhile I insulate my emotions with food.

I pushed S away yesterday because I felt this fear that he was going to leave me. It made me want to push him away first so that I wouldn't be hurt when he inevitably pulled away from me and stopped calling. I had this instant thought of "I don't need him!" Quickly followed by "Now that I have no one to be accountable to, I can go ahead and eat anything I want to. No one is there to feel my extra flab. No one will be able to gauge very easily the effects of a few more binges here and there. Food is more entertaining/comforting/pleasing/etc...than any boy is anyhow." These were thoughts in my mind, but i couldn't really hear them. All I could hear was "I don't need him! Cookies! I need cookies!! Now. They will make me feel better. Now!!"

I was overreacting irrationally out of fear and perhaps possibly my hormones and emotions are a bit out of whack because of whatever my body is going through at the moment. (Seriously, I'm ready for a real period already. Where are you anyway?! I'm eating again/not overexercising anymore --come back!) I did just have a very sugary chocolate cookie too before I got his text. That may have pushed me a bit over the edge, too.

I realize I do need people, though. It makes me feel vulnerable. Human even and not the superhuman creative,overworked robot I often believe myself to be. I know I'll never get the satisfaction and fulfillment that I'm seeking and crave through food. Conversely, the shame from misusing food just leads down a road of further isolation for me.

While I may not be able to ever prevent bingeing again, I do know a few things that can help me generally feel better and more grounded as a whole:

1. Exercise daily. Even if busy. Do it. Yoga, go to the gym. Ride the bike. Walk for an hour. Do a video. Whatever. It's critical and crucial to maintaining my sanity and giving me my "me" time and personal investment for the day.

2. Don't eat super-sugary foods. It was, afterall, right after I had that deliciously sugary chocolate cookie that I reacted with "I don't want to see him tonight...or EVER!" It's really funny, but that hadn't occured to me until just a few moments ago. I am sugar-sensitive and sometimes I forget. It really kind of makes me anti-social. I'm not going to be on that strict "no sugar ever" kick, because things like that seem to cause rebellion for me, but I'm going to make a concious effort to just consume less sugar or make sure that if I have it, I also have some protein with it right after.

3. No 3 because I don't want to get out-of-control with the "rules". Just really those two things, and I think they'll help me out quite a bit.

untrust

I've decided to stay in this saturday night. Or not necessarily stay in, but not hang out with the boy. It was a knee-jerk reaction to his text saying he was tired from a party last night. Things may be going well enough, and I like him well enough, and I find him incredibly attractive physically, but something in me and in my gut tells me to not trust him. And i don't.

There was the covert coke incident of last weekend, which I don't know who he thought he was fooling. I mean, going to the bathroom like every five minutes, not to mention that I could totally taste and smell it on him. Not that I would care that much, but just that he was being secretive about it. THAT bothered me for some reason more than the act itself.

He's not seeing me at my best right now. I'm not at my best right now, and somehow maybe because of outside forces and somehow also maybe because we aren't quite right together. I've been struggling lately, and this has made me even more insecure. I need my space and my time to put myself first and care for myself. I don't have it in me to get entangled into someone else right now. I have enough entanglings of my own.

Usually I feel inspired when I'm in love. I don't feel either of those emotions. Maybe just not yet, but maybe not ever. I don't even understand how he supports himself. It's not something he talks about at all, which greatly contrasts with and kind of concerns me, because my work is my life. I love talking about it. Are his parents still supporting him, or what the hell is?

I want to be with someone (when I'm fully ready) who really inspires me to be better at what I do and want for myself.

Oh, and since we're on the subject of the things that bother me about him: his taste in music. Why is it ALWAYS this that is the biggest turnoff to me? Some things we can like will overlap, but then there are some (okay, several in his case) that severely gnaw at my attraction to him. I think it's kind of hilarious. But I think it also says something, and incidentally my two longest lasting relationships were with two people whose tastes in music I much respected and shared.

Anyhow, I'd rather spend time with just myself tonight. Me, and the lovely kitty that I'm cat-sitting (who happens to dislike this boy very much). See, now I lied to him about going out with friends in the city. I'll serve it up right back to him.

The funny thing that keeps resurfacing this weekend is how much I'm missing my ex, my now good friend. I know that I don't want to be in a relationship with him again, I think I'm just missing his friendship and company lately. He's a good person. Maybe it's telling me something too, about the current disharmony that's occurring in my new romance.

another day another month

I'm in my new place now, but still faced with the task of moving the stuff from out of my old place, and getting rid of a ton of it. I like how empty the new place is, to be honest. I'd love to live that minimally. I'm really clean there, too. I pick up after myself, make the bed. I'm a different person, and I like her. But when I'm at the studio, it's overwhelming, and to avoid that, I find myself wanting to eat out of stress, frustration, fear, etc. And I haven't been able to go to yoga or exercise at all in the past few weeks. Ugh .

I've been really productive this week, and that makes me feel really good. I always feel so much better about myself when I'm working well and getting things done. Now, if I could just banish my desires to eat everything in sight.

I'm dating a new guy. He's really tall and thin; totally my physical ideal. But I'm starting to feel ashamed of my own body. Uncomfortable with it, and I think it's coming across. There have been a lot of times in the last week where I have felt that I just want to be solely alone, without any boy, just me and my work and time to myself with friends here and there. Left to work on myself and figure out some more things. I wouldn't mind it. I'm resisting falling for this guy too much, and trying to keep it quite casual.

There's this part of me that wants to be thin thin thin as a rail, because I know that it would feel so good. But then there's this overwhelming urge to shovel food into my mouth. What's the solution? Eating vast quantities of carrots and lettuce? Maybe that could work.

I think realistically, I just need to start doing yoga and exercising more. That will banish these urges. I need my rest, I need my "me" time. Saying NO more often. Trying to be kinder to myself. I'm trying, but it's not without it's obstacles.

I did it

Well, the opportunity came today.

First of all, I will just say that the torture of the unknown is over with. My mind is at ease.

I saw my dream boy today. He came into the store where I was. I felt my face flushing red. I looked cute. I knew this was my chance. I waited outside and then said hi, stammered a bit but managed to just ask him out. I felt so flustered, and was probably the brightest shade of red ever. With a slight pause, he told me he had a girlfriend.

Honestly, I feel so much better than I thought I ever would. A tremendous weight has been lifted off of me. I know, I can process this, and move right along. It's a relief more than anything. Sure, it would've been awesome if he had said yes and had been single. But say la vie. Or however you spell that in French.

I walk away from it feeling good. 1. I feel proud of myself for having the courage to do it. 2. I feel confident that I could do it again. 3. I don't need to hold on to my workspace here any longer. 4. I am FREE of this obsession! 5. I can think about better things, work more productively, and NOT leave my building every hour in the hopes of running into him.

I feel quite good, surprisingly. Moments later, I called to tell Nathan that I did it, my call was then interrupted by another boy that I went out with for coffee the other day. He called to ask me on a second date. Life is funny isn't it? Oh, yeah, I also had a really great time on my date last night with yet another boy. My options are open, and my dance card is filling up on its own. Life feels quite nice right now.

I'm just really proud of myself. I'm not a chicken anymore. I go for what I want. Sometimes I may not always get it, but I can accept this is the way these things are meant to be working themselves out in some sort of master plan.

mind training

In the past week, as noted in the previous post, my mind has been consumed by thoughts of my dream boy. It's making me crazy. I'll find any excuse to step out of the studio to go to the store, hoping hoping hoping to cross his path. All while knowing that whenever I hope to "just run into" someone, it will never happen. For some reason, the universe makes this so. I'm not sure why, but I guess the universe likes to throw us surprises and therefore thinking of the surprise happenstances we negate the chance of them happening at all.

So, my question is this...how can I remove this gorgeous gorgeous boy from my brain? Do I tell myself that I don't want him?That I can have him and that he has stinky breath and never brushed his teeth in his life and farts every minute? Haha! Well, maybe it could help. I need to channel this energy in another way. Because thinking of him constantly is NOT helping things.

I'm even dating other boys. I don't think about them at all. Not even a fraction of the time that I spend thinking about this one guy whom Ive never even spoken to, don't know if he's even available, how old he is, etc, etc, etc.

Isn't this the silliest thing you've ever heard? I think it is. I'm such a dreamer. I'm fully prepared to approach him and absolutely will the next time that I see him. This is excruciating. I can't wait to have him reject me or find something wrong with him, because this obsessing has got to end.

Actually, wait. I CAN control my thoughts. I choose to not think of him at all. I choose to think of creative things. Art. Clothing. Shoes. Philosophy. ANYTHING. Anything else at all, but certainly not of a boy. I will think of how filthy rich I'm going to be in one month from now, when I'm not renting this work studio out anymore. I am not going to sign another one year lease in hopes to see this guy. I don't care. I don't need him. There are other fish in the sea. Fish that are really into me and can't keep their fins off of me.

So, I decide from now on. I choose to erase him from my mind. If I happen to see him, then yes, I will ask him out. I will. I will see him again, it's just a matter of when, and I have no control over that, so I choose to let it go. I choose to just live my life.

my dream boy

I saw him again last tuesday. We had extended eye contact. I'm kicking myself for not going over and saying hello. It was months ago since I last saw him. Maybe he was on a long vacation.

Anyhow, I put up an ad on "missed connections" for him. No response. Well, actually I did get one response and was really excited, only to open the email and read that it was a couple who was looking to bring another young woman into their sex-play.

Everyday since I have seen him, I've felt lovesick. Daydreaming constantly about him, our life together, designing my entire wardrobe from our first date to our wedding. I've got it bad for him. No matter what, the next time I see him, I will approach him. Life is too short to not take risks, and it is far too painful to just daydream, sit there and wonder what if any longer. It's probably been a year since I first saw him. I don't know what it is, and though I know nothing about him...I've never been quite so drawn to someone. It means something and I need to go with it.

Maybe partially why I haven't really been that into the last few guys I've dated is because it felt too easy. There was no chase. No longing. It was just there and ready for the taking without the thrill, the risk, the oh so wonderful and scary butterflies.

This quote that I just found, so beautiful inspires and sums up what I need to do:

Go now, and live. Experience. Dream. Risk. Close your eyes and jump. Enjoy the freefall. Choose exhilaration over comfort. Choose magic over predictability. Choose potential over safety. Wake up to the magic of everyday life. Make friends with your intuition. Trust your gut. Discover the beauty of uncertainty. Own your reality without apology. See goodness in the world. Be Bold. Be Fierce. Be Grateful. Be Wild, Crazy and Gloriously Free. Be You. Go now, and live.

putting me last, yet again

So, in classic "me" fashion, this past week I did a sacrificially unselfish act for someone else. I guess it gave me satisfaction in doing it for her, but it put me behind and in a bad financial state as a result.

I don't know why I get myself into situations like this. I like to make people happy. The problem is that I frequently do it at my own expense.....worth about $1800. Yeah.

My problem is this: I'm upset with myself for doing this. Next time, I need to sit and think before I open my big mouth and make unreasonably generous offers to people. Because here I sit at my studio on a saturday night, eating cake, feeling so sorry for myself and mad at myself at the same time. All of this could have been avoided. I worked my ass off this week, and I haven't a penny left to my name.

It kind of ended up being a pretty nice day, I just feel quite a bit frustrated with myself at the end of it.

let your hair down, baby

my new place

Just some random pictures for inspiration on decorating my new loft in williamsburg. I think I want it to look like a cross between a bookstore and a clothing boutique. I'm so excited!!


I love the clean organization of this last one. It is my dream to be this organized. Nay, goal. I can do it!

goals?

Okay, so basically I have lost close to 20 pounds, now weighing somewhere around 125. I probably weighed 120 last week. I'm too afraid to look now.

Pretty much as soon as I got back from LA, on sunday night. The healthy eating/yoga/gym routine has been for some reason a struggle. I have binged about 3 times. It feels terrible, and yet I find myself just wanting to eat every chocolatey peanut buttery thing in sight. All I think about is food, and the guilt that I have over my deviation from my routine. As I type that, the thoughts of cookies and cake and ice cream fill my head.

I have read almost every article I could google on emotional eating. I have journaled every day and night about my feelings, frustrations, fears, etc. The mornings start out well and into the day. Then day grows into night and the nightmare begins as I'm tormented about delicious, fatty chocolately foods.

I just really can't understand why it continues. Is it because I had deprived myself for so long and been so good for 2 months, that now my body and appetite is rebelling against me? It really seems that way.

I'm not even as stressed out as I could be. Before this, I was even calling myself, dare I say it ...happy. I do yoga every day. I have some money in my bank account. I have my dream career. I have good looks, and decent health (except for an apparent eating disorder now). I just got a new place with a fantastic view of the city in a hip, desireable neighborhood in cool Brooklyn, NY. What more could a girl want?? Why isn't that enough? Why must I cram my mouth with chocolate peanut butter cake and ice cream? I'm never satisfied. Even as I sit here eating this decadent chocolate chunk cookie, I'm thinking about what else I could have later.

Perhaps the problem was that I became all too obsessed with my "new thin self". I had this slight superiority complex. I looked at myself in the mirror probably 100+ times a day. I bought 3 pairs of skinny jeans last week in the smallest size I could fit into in quite awhile. I became a bit self-obsessed. Which, after getting out of an unhealthy relationship where i lost myself, I welcomed this attitude back with great big (technically much thinner) arms. It's been nice to put myself first for once. It's been nice to care about myself, my looks, my body. I said "Hello old, great Self, I've really missed you. And might I add, you look mighty fine in those skinny jeans today!"

Eventually, though, my control got out of control. I ate too little for weeks on end. I began purging when I felt I had too much. I feared more than death itself the thought of regaining weight and being fat. Really? Yes, I'll say it, I even think it now: I would rather be dead than be fat. I was completely neurotic about counting calories. Now, I can't because I just don't want to know.

I think something about seeing my mom, and going to CA triggered this binge pattern. I've always had issues with food, and the approval of my mom. Hi Mom, Look at me. I'm really skinny and happy now. I love you, k bye!

As I left for the airport, I was high on daydreams of stuffing my face with cake and ice cream the moment I got back. On the plane even. Only my plane binging plans were foiled with the random dumb luck of being seated next to someone I actually knew! That flight couldn't have felt any longer. I was literally counting down the minutes until I could get off of that plane, get to the store to my studio, and eat and eat and eat.

I'm not sure where it stems from exactly, but my guess is this: My mom always treated and rewarded us kids with chocolate my whole life. I also watched as my mom criticized her body in front of me. For as long as I can remember, I hear her going on about how big her butt and thighs and stomach are. This endless cycle of self-hate and self-reward is vicious. And yet again, I find myself taken captive by it, too.

I realize now, that my control and restricting phase, is just one part of the whole messed up relationship I have with food. All I want, is to be able to eat very healthy, to feel good about myself, and to not obsess over any of it.

I am almost 30, and I've been going through this cycle for the last decade. I'm over it. I'm too old to be rotting my teeth out from sugar and purging and diet sodas. My poor aching teeth. You'd think that immense mouth pain would be prevention enough to quit these behaviours, but guess again. Even if I had no arms, I'd probably be finding a way to shovel in the crap right now.

Is it PMS? Could be that too. I can't really remember when my last period was, but I think it's coming up. I may have made things out of whack a bit by my severe restriction phase.

Oh, girl. My thoughts right now are of obtaining this vegan peanut butter heaven cake, and letting myself go tie one on tonight in "celebration" of my new place. Oh, girl. See, even after writing all this down, and I do feel so much better, I still have these ideas in my head.

I saw all these models walking around a little while ago in my neighborhood. It's nearly fashion week, and I was mesmerized. I fantasize about being that thin. How beautiful they are, and how little they must eat to stay that way. I need to get it out of my brain, that I am not a model, nor do I want that career or life or pressure. I'm just so drawn to it. It's easy for me to be, since I'm working in the fashion industry. These girls are my muses, of course. It's so natural for me to go there. I find I even design better when I am thinner because all of a sudden I have an interest in the clothes I wear. I see the industry-imposed ideals on my leaner frame and I can relate to their bodies better. Life is just so much more exciting when I'm thin. There is no question about that.

I also have the notion that in order to find the guy of my dreams I need to be thin. I type that and am aware at just how stupid that looks and sounds, but there is absolutely no denying that it is a regular recurring thought pulsating through my brain dozens of times a day. "Excuse me, am I thin enough to go out with you now, or would you prefer me a little more emaciated?" I know it's disgusting. Why would I want that guy? How do I rewire my brain after 30 years, though?

I'm aware of the confidence I have when I'm thinner, versus when I'm heavier and unhappy with my body. I'm a 100% completely different person. I really don't like that miserable chubby girl. I don't want to see her around these parts anymore.

I know I just need a healthier approach and outlook to being thinner/fit and I'm just struggling to adjust to having met my goal.

The good news is that I LOVE yoga. It has made me a much calmer, sane person. Even despite the temporary craziness of my eating habits lately. I'm trying to look towards yoga to pull me out of this. To accept myself, to quit fighting with myself.

There are parts of me, that really makes me wish I could just exist without having to deal with food. It's such a basic thing, but it's always been a huge challenge for me. We have a love/hate relationship.

I do fantasize about subsisting on water, and lots of coffee and gum. Maybe some fruit too.

Will I ever reach the point, where I can have that healthy relationship with food? I'm seeking it. My ad would read: "Currently seeking healthy LTR with food. Must be able to satisfy me, must not make me obsess over you, calling me up late at night wanting to rule my life, leaving me with feelings of shame and regret in the morning. Let's have something real. Johnny Junkfood and Mr. Goodbars need not apply."

Well, I'm reading and reading, looking for thoughts, ideas, answers. I'm looking for the key to ultimate nirvana and knowledge. Until then, I'll settle for just being okay with it all. Maybe that is the key?

Sorry to turn this blog into a narcissistic extension of my eating disorder and selfish need to vent. But seeing as I haven't posted in 4 months, and only have three followers....probably none of you will even have read this far anyway. Oh well. Unfollow if you need to, I understand and don't mind a bit, but I need to do this for my health and sanity.

sigh. I saw the man of my dreams about 20 minutes ago: insanely tall, thin, gorgeous beyond belief. I would do whatever it takes to end up with a guy like that. I will.

Here's what I must do:
1. Lose 25 pounds
2. Finally end my current bad, going nowhere relationship
3. Become a little more successful and self-confident
4. Start caring and taking care of myself better and dressing a little more presentably.

I could daydream about this guy all day long. Fortunately I know he works closeby, and we're sure to run into each other again. I'm just so shy. I need to figure out how to get over that.

I also need to lose a hell of a lot of weight. I'm around 143 pounds right now, 5'9", and I'd like to be around 115-120. This would be convenient for my profession as well.
I need to eat very cleanly, very small portions, no later than 8pm. I need to start running, doing yoga.

I have to have this guy. Looking at him melted my heart into a puddle, and I haven't felt that way in a long time. I could daydream about him forever and imagine the creative life and very tall kids we'd have together. I'm already planning our wedding in my head! First, I just need to change some things about myself.

I think I'm going to use a goal journal, and use this site to post progress and keep myself on track from now on. I have nothing to lose, well, but weight and insecurities.