deflated

I hate mornings when I wake up and just feel plain bad. They're usually mornings after days or evenings when I've eaten too much. I wake up feeling the stretching of my skin and it hurts. I feel depressed this morning, empty and just like a horrible person in general. I think suicidal thoughts, even though I know I'd never carry them out. I also think about self-harming and how maybe i should become a cutter or something. Like that's a good choice decision that I should just decide to become. I wouldn't. I don't think. It's just one of those dark mornings, and usually mornings are my favorite part of the day. Not these. I feel at the lowest of lows.

Then the thoughts of how I should just stop feeding myself and eating entirely sweep into my brain. It seems like a reasonable solution. I hate myself enough; why not just waste myself away? At least I'd be thin and attractive again until I disappeared completely off the face of the earth.

The only problem with that is at the moment I have this insatiable appetite and urge to put food in my mouth at all times. I know that if I ride it out, eventually it'll get easier and that urge will also die off. It's like depriving a flame of oxygen.

It may be a dark road to venture down, but honestly I'd choose that path over this one of tremendous shame and self-hatred. Is this the moment of reopening that gate and wandering down that road for awhile again? Maybe for good? Honestly, anything is better than how I feel at this moment. The pain of being in this body at this moment is excruciating.