I did it

Well, the opportunity came today.

First of all, I will just say that the torture of the unknown is over with. My mind is at ease.

I saw my dream boy today. He came into the store where I was. I felt my face flushing red. I looked cute. I knew this was my chance. I waited outside and then said hi, stammered a bit but managed to just ask him out. I felt so flustered, and was probably the brightest shade of red ever. With a slight pause, he told me he had a girlfriend.

Honestly, I feel so much better than I thought I ever would. A tremendous weight has been lifted off of me. I know, I can process this, and move right along. It's a relief more than anything. Sure, it would've been awesome if he had said yes and had been single. But say la vie. Or however you spell that in French.

I walk away from it feeling good. 1. I feel proud of myself for having the courage to do it. 2. I feel confident that I could do it again. 3. I don't need to hold on to my workspace here any longer. 4. I am FREE of this obsession! 5. I can think about better things, work more productively, and NOT leave my building every hour in the hopes of running into him.

I feel quite good, surprisingly. Moments later, I called to tell Nathan that I did it, my call was then interrupted by another boy that I went out with for coffee the other day. He called to ask me on a second date. Life is funny isn't it? Oh, yeah, I also had a really great time on my date last night with yet another boy. My options are open, and my dance card is filling up on its own. Life feels quite nice right now.

I'm just really proud of myself. I'm not a chicken anymore. I go for what I want. Sometimes I may not always get it, but I can accept this is the way these things are meant to be working themselves out in some sort of master plan.

mind training

In the past week, as noted in the previous post, my mind has been consumed by thoughts of my dream boy. It's making me crazy. I'll find any excuse to step out of the studio to go to the store, hoping hoping hoping to cross his path. All while knowing that whenever I hope to "just run into" someone, it will never happen. For some reason, the universe makes this so. I'm not sure why, but I guess the universe likes to throw us surprises and therefore thinking of the surprise happenstances we negate the chance of them happening at all.

So, my question is this...how can I remove this gorgeous gorgeous boy from my brain? Do I tell myself that I don't want him?That I can have him and that he has stinky breath and never brushed his teeth in his life and farts every minute? Haha! Well, maybe it could help. I need to channel this energy in another way. Because thinking of him constantly is NOT helping things.

I'm even dating other boys. I don't think about them at all. Not even a fraction of the time that I spend thinking about this one guy whom Ive never even spoken to, don't know if he's even available, how old he is, etc, etc, etc.

Isn't this the silliest thing you've ever heard? I think it is. I'm such a dreamer. I'm fully prepared to approach him and absolutely will the next time that I see him. This is excruciating. I can't wait to have him reject me or find something wrong with him, because this obsessing has got to end.

Actually, wait. I CAN control my thoughts. I choose to not think of him at all. I choose to think of creative things. Art. Clothing. Shoes. Philosophy. ANYTHING. Anything else at all, but certainly not of a boy. I will think of how filthy rich I'm going to be in one month from now, when I'm not renting this work studio out anymore. I am not going to sign another one year lease in hopes to see this guy. I don't care. I don't need him. There are other fish in the sea. Fish that are really into me and can't keep their fins off of me.

So, I decide from now on. I choose to erase him from my mind. If I happen to see him, then yes, I will ask him out. I will. I will see him again, it's just a matter of when, and I have no control over that, so I choose to let it go. I choose to just live my life.

my dream boy

I saw him again last tuesday. We had extended eye contact. I'm kicking myself for not going over and saying hello. It was months ago since I last saw him. Maybe he was on a long vacation.

Anyhow, I put up an ad on "missed connections" for him. No response. Well, actually I did get one response and was really excited, only to open the email and read that it was a couple who was looking to bring another young woman into their sex-play.

Everyday since I have seen him, I've felt lovesick. Daydreaming constantly about him, our life together, designing my entire wardrobe from our first date to our wedding. I've got it bad for him. No matter what, the next time I see him, I will approach him. Life is too short to not take risks, and it is far too painful to just daydream, sit there and wonder what if any longer. It's probably been a year since I first saw him. I don't know what it is, and though I know nothing about him...I've never been quite so drawn to someone. It means something and I need to go with it.

Maybe partially why I haven't really been that into the last few guys I've dated is because it felt too easy. There was no chase. No longing. It was just there and ready for the taking without the thrill, the risk, the oh so wonderful and scary butterflies.

This quote that I just found, so beautiful inspires and sums up what I need to do:

Go now, and live. Experience. Dream. Risk. Close your eyes and jump. Enjoy the freefall. Choose exhilaration over comfort. Choose magic over predictability. Choose potential over safety. Wake up to the magic of everyday life. Make friends with your intuition. Trust your gut. Discover the beauty of uncertainty. Own your reality without apology. See goodness in the world. Be Bold. Be Fierce. Be Grateful. Be Wild, Crazy and Gloriously Free. Be You. Go now, and live.

putting me last, yet again

So, in classic "me" fashion, this past week I did a sacrificially unselfish act for someone else. I guess it gave me satisfaction in doing it for her, but it put me behind and in a bad financial state as a result.

I don't know why I get myself into situations like this. I like to make people happy. The problem is that I frequently do it at my own expense.....worth about $1800. Yeah.

My problem is this: I'm upset with myself for doing this. Next time, I need to sit and think before I open my big mouth and make unreasonably generous offers to people. Because here I sit at my studio on a saturday night, eating cake, feeling so sorry for myself and mad at myself at the same time. All of this could have been avoided. I worked my ass off this week, and I haven't a penny left to my name.

It kind of ended up being a pretty nice day, I just feel quite a bit frustrated with myself at the end of it.

let your hair down, baby

my new place

Just some random pictures for inspiration on decorating my new loft in williamsburg. I think I want it to look like a cross between a bookstore and a clothing boutique. I'm so excited!!


I love the clean organization of this last one. It is my dream to be this organized. Nay, goal. I can do it!

goals?

Okay, so basically I have lost close to 20 pounds, now weighing somewhere around 125. I probably weighed 120 last week. I'm too afraid to look now.

Pretty much as soon as I got back from LA, on sunday night. The healthy eating/yoga/gym routine has been for some reason a struggle. I have binged about 3 times. It feels terrible, and yet I find myself just wanting to eat every chocolatey peanut buttery thing in sight. All I think about is food, and the guilt that I have over my deviation from my routine. As I type that, the thoughts of cookies and cake and ice cream fill my head.

I have read almost every article I could google on emotional eating. I have journaled every day and night about my feelings, frustrations, fears, etc. The mornings start out well and into the day. Then day grows into night and the nightmare begins as I'm tormented about delicious, fatty chocolately foods.

I just really can't understand why it continues. Is it because I had deprived myself for so long and been so good for 2 months, that now my body and appetite is rebelling against me? It really seems that way.

I'm not even as stressed out as I could be. Before this, I was even calling myself, dare I say it ...happy. I do yoga every day. I have some money in my bank account. I have my dream career. I have good looks, and decent health (except for an apparent eating disorder now). I just got a new place with a fantastic view of the city in a hip, desireable neighborhood in cool Brooklyn, NY. What more could a girl want?? Why isn't that enough? Why must I cram my mouth with chocolate peanut butter cake and ice cream? I'm never satisfied. Even as I sit here eating this decadent chocolate chunk cookie, I'm thinking about what else I could have later.

Perhaps the problem was that I became all too obsessed with my "new thin self". I had this slight superiority complex. I looked at myself in the mirror probably 100+ times a day. I bought 3 pairs of skinny jeans last week in the smallest size I could fit into in quite awhile. I became a bit self-obsessed. Which, after getting out of an unhealthy relationship where i lost myself, I welcomed this attitude back with great big (technically much thinner) arms. It's been nice to put myself first for once. It's been nice to care about myself, my looks, my body. I said "Hello old, great Self, I've really missed you. And might I add, you look mighty fine in those skinny jeans today!"

Eventually, though, my control got out of control. I ate too little for weeks on end. I began purging when I felt I had too much. I feared more than death itself the thought of regaining weight and being fat. Really? Yes, I'll say it, I even think it now: I would rather be dead than be fat. I was completely neurotic about counting calories. Now, I can't because I just don't want to know.

I think something about seeing my mom, and going to CA triggered this binge pattern. I've always had issues with food, and the approval of my mom. Hi Mom, Look at me. I'm really skinny and happy now. I love you, k bye!

As I left for the airport, I was high on daydreams of stuffing my face with cake and ice cream the moment I got back. On the plane even. Only my plane binging plans were foiled with the random dumb luck of being seated next to someone I actually knew! That flight couldn't have felt any longer. I was literally counting down the minutes until I could get off of that plane, get to the store to my studio, and eat and eat and eat.

I'm not sure where it stems from exactly, but my guess is this: My mom always treated and rewarded us kids with chocolate my whole life. I also watched as my mom criticized her body in front of me. For as long as I can remember, I hear her going on about how big her butt and thighs and stomach are. This endless cycle of self-hate and self-reward is vicious. And yet again, I find myself taken captive by it, too.

I realize now, that my control and restricting phase, is just one part of the whole messed up relationship I have with food. All I want, is to be able to eat very healthy, to feel good about myself, and to not obsess over any of it.

I am almost 30, and I've been going through this cycle for the last decade. I'm over it. I'm too old to be rotting my teeth out from sugar and purging and diet sodas. My poor aching teeth. You'd think that immense mouth pain would be prevention enough to quit these behaviours, but guess again. Even if I had no arms, I'd probably be finding a way to shovel in the crap right now.

Is it PMS? Could be that too. I can't really remember when my last period was, but I think it's coming up. I may have made things out of whack a bit by my severe restriction phase.

Oh, girl. My thoughts right now are of obtaining this vegan peanut butter heaven cake, and letting myself go tie one on tonight in "celebration" of my new place. Oh, girl. See, even after writing all this down, and I do feel so much better, I still have these ideas in my head.

I saw all these models walking around a little while ago in my neighborhood. It's nearly fashion week, and I was mesmerized. I fantasize about being that thin. How beautiful they are, and how little they must eat to stay that way. I need to get it out of my brain, that I am not a model, nor do I want that career or life or pressure. I'm just so drawn to it. It's easy for me to be, since I'm working in the fashion industry. These girls are my muses, of course. It's so natural for me to go there. I find I even design better when I am thinner because all of a sudden I have an interest in the clothes I wear. I see the industry-imposed ideals on my leaner frame and I can relate to their bodies better. Life is just so much more exciting when I'm thin. There is no question about that.

I also have the notion that in order to find the guy of my dreams I need to be thin. I type that and am aware at just how stupid that looks and sounds, but there is absolutely no denying that it is a regular recurring thought pulsating through my brain dozens of times a day. "Excuse me, am I thin enough to go out with you now, or would you prefer me a little more emaciated?" I know it's disgusting. Why would I want that guy? How do I rewire my brain after 30 years, though?

I'm aware of the confidence I have when I'm thinner, versus when I'm heavier and unhappy with my body. I'm a 100% completely different person. I really don't like that miserable chubby girl. I don't want to see her around these parts anymore.

I know I just need a healthier approach and outlook to being thinner/fit and I'm just struggling to adjust to having met my goal.

The good news is that I LOVE yoga. It has made me a much calmer, sane person. Even despite the temporary craziness of my eating habits lately. I'm trying to look towards yoga to pull me out of this. To accept myself, to quit fighting with myself.

There are parts of me, that really makes me wish I could just exist without having to deal with food. It's such a basic thing, but it's always been a huge challenge for me. We have a love/hate relationship.

I do fantasize about subsisting on water, and lots of coffee and gum. Maybe some fruit too.

Will I ever reach the point, where I can have that healthy relationship with food? I'm seeking it. My ad would read: "Currently seeking healthy LTR with food. Must be able to satisfy me, must not make me obsess over you, calling me up late at night wanting to rule my life, leaving me with feelings of shame and regret in the morning. Let's have something real. Johnny Junkfood and Mr. Goodbars need not apply."

Well, I'm reading and reading, looking for thoughts, ideas, answers. I'm looking for the key to ultimate nirvana and knowledge. Until then, I'll settle for just being okay with it all. Maybe that is the key?

Sorry to turn this blog into a narcissistic extension of my eating disorder and selfish need to vent. But seeing as I haven't posted in 4 months, and only have three followers....probably none of you will even have read this far anyway. Oh well. Unfollow if you need to, I understand and don't mind a bit, but I need to do this for my health and sanity.