sunday

Sundays are always hard for me for some reason. I think it goes way back to me hating Sundays as a kid because it always meant that it was a school night with the most dreaded school day of the week (Monday) to follow suit. Then when I worked for other companies, it was the same story.

Somehow, now eventhough days of the week should have NO significance to me since I work for myself and work pretty much every day...my lingering hangups about this day of the week still strangely hover about.

If anything, I think I should anticipate Mondays and be excited for them, because for me that means if I want to go shopping or Ikea or anywhere else, I have these places practically to myself. I needn't brave the crowds like everyone else has to on the weekend.

I'm finding myself today, still with the compulsion to eat/overeat. This has followed in from last night's episode. I'm not sure exactly what happened but I think it stems from my fear of rejection and loneliness. I cancelled on the boy, stayed in, but then got these ideas that I just KNEW he was cheating on me and how I could and would NEVER trust him. So I justified my night in spent by baking myself cookies and shoving them into my mouth, one warm cookie after another, before I realized I had eaten nearly the whole tray. In my horror and disgust I then tried to purge them, but that wasn't going well, and it just made me feel that much worse as I remembered how I never wanted to ever do that again. Ever.

How can one great afternoon and day so quickly get derailed into a horribly destructive evening?
I mean, it's beyond frustrating. It's frightening to me. All that positivity and goodness feels like it just gets cancelled and wiped out. And it doesn't prevent me from having a night or day like this. It seems almost...what the hell is the point in trying anymore if I know I'm only going to turn around and sabotage my success?

Why do I do that? Why do I ALWAYS do that? I'm doing well, climbing so high, higher than I have been in awhile then SMACK I'm falling back down and landing hard on my ass. After so many times, it gets harder to get back up again. It feels hopeless at times like right now. Times like now, when I opt to go make myself some pancakes.

some time later....
okay. I have a little more insight and I think I understand what this one was about: yes, loneliness. I have a fear of ending up lonely. Ironically, it's this fear that sometimes leads me to push people away, and further isolate myself, while meanwhile I insulate my emotions with food.

I pushed S away yesterday because I felt this fear that he was going to leave me. It made me want to push him away first so that I wouldn't be hurt when he inevitably pulled away from me and stopped calling. I had this instant thought of "I don't need him!" Quickly followed by "Now that I have no one to be accountable to, I can go ahead and eat anything I want to. No one is there to feel my extra flab. No one will be able to gauge very easily the effects of a few more binges here and there. Food is more entertaining/comforting/pleasing/etc...than any boy is anyhow." These were thoughts in my mind, but i couldn't really hear them. All I could hear was "I don't need him! Cookies! I need cookies!! Now. They will make me feel better. Now!!"

I was overreacting irrationally out of fear and perhaps possibly my hormones and emotions are a bit out of whack because of whatever my body is going through at the moment. (Seriously, I'm ready for a real period already. Where are you anyway?! I'm eating again/not overexercising anymore --come back!) I did just have a very sugary chocolate cookie too before I got his text. That may have pushed me a bit over the edge, too.

I realize I do need people, though. It makes me feel vulnerable. Human even and not the superhuman creative,overworked robot I often believe myself to be. I know I'll never get the satisfaction and fulfillment that I'm seeking and crave through food. Conversely, the shame from misusing food just leads down a road of further isolation for me.

While I may not be able to ever prevent bingeing again, I do know a few things that can help me generally feel better and more grounded as a whole:

1. Exercise daily. Even if busy. Do it. Yoga, go to the gym. Ride the bike. Walk for an hour. Do a video. Whatever. It's critical and crucial to maintaining my sanity and giving me my "me" time and personal investment for the day.

2. Don't eat super-sugary foods. It was, afterall, right after I had that deliciously sugary chocolate cookie that I reacted with "I don't want to see him tonight...or EVER!" It's really funny, but that hadn't occured to me until just a few moments ago. I am sugar-sensitive and sometimes I forget. It really kind of makes me anti-social. I'm not going to be on that strict "no sugar ever" kick, because things like that seem to cause rebellion for me, but I'm going to make a concious effort to just consume less sugar or make sure that if I have it, I also have some protein with it right after.

3. No 3 because I don't want to get out-of-control with the "rules". Just really those two things, and I think they'll help me out quite a bit.