untrust

I've decided to stay in this saturday night. Or not necessarily stay in, but not hang out with the boy. It was a knee-jerk reaction to his text saying he was tired from a party last night. Things may be going well enough, and I like him well enough, and I find him incredibly attractive physically, but something in me and in my gut tells me to not trust him. And i don't.

There was the covert coke incident of last weekend, which I don't know who he thought he was fooling. I mean, going to the bathroom like every five minutes, not to mention that I could totally taste and smell it on him. Not that I would care that much, but just that he was being secretive about it. THAT bothered me for some reason more than the act itself.

He's not seeing me at my best right now. I'm not at my best right now, and somehow maybe because of outside forces and somehow also maybe because we aren't quite right together. I've been struggling lately, and this has made me even more insecure. I need my space and my time to put myself first and care for myself. I don't have it in me to get entangled into someone else right now. I have enough entanglings of my own.

Usually I feel inspired when I'm in love. I don't feel either of those emotions. Maybe just not yet, but maybe not ever. I don't even understand how he supports himself. It's not something he talks about at all, which greatly contrasts with and kind of concerns me, because my work is my life. I love talking about it. Are his parents still supporting him, or what the hell is?

I want to be with someone (when I'm fully ready) who really inspires me to be better at what I do and want for myself.

Oh, and since we're on the subject of the things that bother me about him: his taste in music. Why is it ALWAYS this that is the biggest turnoff to me? Some things we can like will overlap, but then there are some (okay, several in his case) that severely gnaw at my attraction to him. I think it's kind of hilarious. But I think it also says something, and incidentally my two longest lasting relationships were with two people whose tastes in music I much respected and shared.

Anyhow, I'd rather spend time with just myself tonight. Me, and the lovely kitty that I'm cat-sitting (who happens to dislike this boy very much). See, now I lied to him about going out with friends in the city. I'll serve it up right back to him.

The funny thing that keeps resurfacing this weekend is how much I'm missing my ex, my now good friend. I know that I don't want to be in a relationship with him again, I think I'm just missing his friendship and company lately. He's a good person. Maybe it's telling me something too, about the current disharmony that's occurring in my new romance.