consumed

yet again, i find my mind overly consumed by thoughts about my dream boy. sigh. what can i do? part of me hates his guts for being kind of an asshole, but another part of me that loves a challenge resolves itself to insisting that one day he will be mine and is more determined than ever to make that a reality. it's so bad, i know. especially when i just suck at relationships and love in general.

why on Earth and how in the world did it happen to be that we end up neighbors? a big, deep part of me believes there is something in that. just as a part of me, months before, realized there was something really there that i felt so drawn to this stranger in the first place. i believe there's something bigger than me at play here, and i'm very curious about it.

my job is the most important thing in my life to me, and i can't give myself entirely to anyone else right now. i just can't help that i also happen to be totally, rebelliously boy-crazy. i want my cake and i want some cute boys to play with on the side. i don't think i will ever get married to anyone, and i'm really okay with that. all I want out of that institution is the big party and beautiful gown that i get to party in.

now. what to do about the boy i'm currently dating that's all and well, but he's just getting a little too attached at my seams? he's fun for now, and I suppose i'll just keep him until something better comes along, however i don't want to hurt him. i'm confused about that one, and i just can never read him accurately.

i'm exercising again and my new, close gym has yoga, which is great. i have to say i'm starting to feel quite a bit better than i have in the past month, which is a very welcome change. things were getting scary dark for me.

now, i just need a lot of focus and drive to carry me through the next two and a half month. i need to stick to my schedule, and routine. not let my fear of not attaining perfection keep me procrastinating or holding back from anything at all in life.