consumed

yet again, i find my mind overly consumed by thoughts about my dream boy. sigh. what can i do? part of me hates his guts for being kind of an asshole, but another part of me that loves a challenge resolves itself to insisting that one day he will be mine and is more determined than ever to make that a reality. it's so bad, i know. especially when i just suck at relationships and love in general.

why on Earth and how in the world did it happen to be that we end up neighbors? a big, deep part of me believes there is something in that. just as a part of me, months before, realized there was something really there that i felt so drawn to this stranger in the first place. i believe there's something bigger than me at play here, and i'm very curious about it.

my job is the most important thing in my life to me, and i can't give myself entirely to anyone else right now. i just can't help that i also happen to be totally, rebelliously boy-crazy. i want my cake and i want some cute boys to play with on the side. i don't think i will ever get married to anyone, and i'm really okay with that. all I want out of that institution is the big party and beautiful gown that i get to party in.

now. what to do about the boy i'm currently dating that's all and well, but he's just getting a little too attached at my seams? he's fun for now, and I suppose i'll just keep him until something better comes along, however i don't want to hurt him. i'm confused about that one, and i just can never read him accurately.

i'm exercising again and my new, close gym has yoga, which is great. i have to say i'm starting to feel quite a bit better than i have in the past month, which is a very welcome change. things were getting scary dark for me.

now, i just need a lot of focus and drive to carry me through the next two and a half month. i need to stick to my schedule, and routine. not let my fear of not attaining perfection keep me procrastinating or holding back from anything at all in life.

the irony or all ironies

so, not only have I been increasingly coincidentally running into the dream boy i asked out two months ago, but it seems apparent that he lives on my street. or his girlfriend does.

the reason i asked him out was because i was leaving Dumbo, and figured i'd probably never see him again. now he fucking ends up living on the street of my new place?!!

i'm pretty sure he thinks i'm stalking him. hahahaha. oh, god. well, i know i'm not staying here longer than one year if i survive the toxic smells in this apartment without dying from carbon monoxide poisoning.

it's just beyond ironic, that's all. he's probably scared to see me. whatever. his loss, truly.

deflated

I hate mornings when I wake up and just feel plain bad. They're usually mornings after days or evenings when I've eaten too much. I wake up feeling the stretching of my skin and it hurts. I feel depressed this morning, empty and just like a horrible person in general. I think suicidal thoughts, even though I know I'd never carry them out. I also think about self-harming and how maybe i should become a cutter or something. Like that's a good choice decision that I should just decide to become. I wouldn't. I don't think. It's just one of those dark mornings, and usually mornings are my favorite part of the day. Not these. I feel at the lowest of lows.

Then the thoughts of how I should just stop feeding myself and eating entirely sweep into my brain. It seems like a reasonable solution. I hate myself enough; why not just waste myself away? At least I'd be thin and attractive again until I disappeared completely off the face of the earth.

The only problem with that is at the moment I have this insatiable appetite and urge to put food in my mouth at all times. I know that if I ride it out, eventually it'll get easier and that urge will also die off. It's like depriving a flame of oxygen.

It may be a dark road to venture down, but honestly I'd choose that path over this one of tremendous shame and self-hatred. Is this the moment of reopening that gate and wandering down that road for awhile again? Maybe for good? Honestly, anything is better than how I feel at this moment. The pain of being in this body at this moment is excruciating.

sunday

Sundays are always hard for me for some reason. I think it goes way back to me hating Sundays as a kid because it always meant that it was a school night with the most dreaded school day of the week (Monday) to follow suit. Then when I worked for other companies, it was the same story.

Somehow, now eventhough days of the week should have NO significance to me since I work for myself and work pretty much every day...my lingering hangups about this day of the week still strangely hover about.

If anything, I think I should anticipate Mondays and be excited for them, because for me that means if I want to go shopping or Ikea or anywhere else, I have these places practically to myself. I needn't brave the crowds like everyone else has to on the weekend.

I'm finding myself today, still with the compulsion to eat/overeat. This has followed in from last night's episode. I'm not sure exactly what happened but I think it stems from my fear of rejection and loneliness. I cancelled on the boy, stayed in, but then got these ideas that I just KNEW he was cheating on me and how I could and would NEVER trust him. So I justified my night in spent by baking myself cookies and shoving them into my mouth, one warm cookie after another, before I realized I had eaten nearly the whole tray. In my horror and disgust I then tried to purge them, but that wasn't going well, and it just made me feel that much worse as I remembered how I never wanted to ever do that again. Ever.

How can one great afternoon and day so quickly get derailed into a horribly destructive evening?
I mean, it's beyond frustrating. It's frightening to me. All that positivity and goodness feels like it just gets cancelled and wiped out. And it doesn't prevent me from having a night or day like this. It seems almost...what the hell is the point in trying anymore if I know I'm only going to turn around and sabotage my success?

Why do I do that? Why do I ALWAYS do that? I'm doing well, climbing so high, higher than I have been in awhile then SMACK I'm falling back down and landing hard on my ass. After so many times, it gets harder to get back up again. It feels hopeless at times like right now. Times like now, when I opt to go make myself some pancakes.

some time later....
okay. I have a little more insight and I think I understand what this one was about: yes, loneliness. I have a fear of ending up lonely. Ironically, it's this fear that sometimes leads me to push people away, and further isolate myself, while meanwhile I insulate my emotions with food.

I pushed S away yesterday because I felt this fear that he was going to leave me. It made me want to push him away first so that I wouldn't be hurt when he inevitably pulled away from me and stopped calling. I had this instant thought of "I don't need him!" Quickly followed by "Now that I have no one to be accountable to, I can go ahead and eat anything I want to. No one is there to feel my extra flab. No one will be able to gauge very easily the effects of a few more binges here and there. Food is more entertaining/comforting/pleasing/etc...than any boy is anyhow." These were thoughts in my mind, but i couldn't really hear them. All I could hear was "I don't need him! Cookies! I need cookies!! Now. They will make me feel better. Now!!"

I was overreacting irrationally out of fear and perhaps possibly my hormones and emotions are a bit out of whack because of whatever my body is going through at the moment. (Seriously, I'm ready for a real period already. Where are you anyway?! I'm eating again/not overexercising anymore --come back!) I did just have a very sugary chocolate cookie too before I got his text. That may have pushed me a bit over the edge, too.

I realize I do need people, though. It makes me feel vulnerable. Human even and not the superhuman creative,overworked robot I often believe myself to be. I know I'll never get the satisfaction and fulfillment that I'm seeking and crave through food. Conversely, the shame from misusing food just leads down a road of further isolation for me.

While I may not be able to ever prevent bingeing again, I do know a few things that can help me generally feel better and more grounded as a whole:

1. Exercise daily. Even if busy. Do it. Yoga, go to the gym. Ride the bike. Walk for an hour. Do a video. Whatever. It's critical and crucial to maintaining my sanity and giving me my "me" time and personal investment for the day.

2. Don't eat super-sugary foods. It was, afterall, right after I had that deliciously sugary chocolate cookie that I reacted with "I don't want to see him tonight...or EVER!" It's really funny, but that hadn't occured to me until just a few moments ago. I am sugar-sensitive and sometimes I forget. It really kind of makes me anti-social. I'm not going to be on that strict "no sugar ever" kick, because things like that seem to cause rebellion for me, but I'm going to make a concious effort to just consume less sugar or make sure that if I have it, I also have some protein with it right after.

3. No 3 because I don't want to get out-of-control with the "rules". Just really those two things, and I think they'll help me out quite a bit.

untrust

I've decided to stay in this saturday night. Or not necessarily stay in, but not hang out with the boy. It was a knee-jerk reaction to his text saying he was tired from a party last night. Things may be going well enough, and I like him well enough, and I find him incredibly attractive physically, but something in me and in my gut tells me to not trust him. And i don't.

There was the covert coke incident of last weekend, which I don't know who he thought he was fooling. I mean, going to the bathroom like every five minutes, not to mention that I could totally taste and smell it on him. Not that I would care that much, but just that he was being secretive about it. THAT bothered me for some reason more than the act itself.

He's not seeing me at my best right now. I'm not at my best right now, and somehow maybe because of outside forces and somehow also maybe because we aren't quite right together. I've been struggling lately, and this has made me even more insecure. I need my space and my time to put myself first and care for myself. I don't have it in me to get entangled into someone else right now. I have enough entanglings of my own.

Usually I feel inspired when I'm in love. I don't feel either of those emotions. Maybe just not yet, but maybe not ever. I don't even understand how he supports himself. It's not something he talks about at all, which greatly contrasts with and kind of concerns me, because my work is my life. I love talking about it. Are his parents still supporting him, or what the hell is?

I want to be with someone (when I'm fully ready) who really inspires me to be better at what I do and want for myself.

Oh, and since we're on the subject of the things that bother me about him: his taste in music. Why is it ALWAYS this that is the biggest turnoff to me? Some things we can like will overlap, but then there are some (okay, several in his case) that severely gnaw at my attraction to him. I think it's kind of hilarious. But I think it also says something, and incidentally my two longest lasting relationships were with two people whose tastes in music I much respected and shared.

Anyhow, I'd rather spend time with just myself tonight. Me, and the lovely kitty that I'm cat-sitting (who happens to dislike this boy very much). See, now I lied to him about going out with friends in the city. I'll serve it up right back to him.

The funny thing that keeps resurfacing this weekend is how much I'm missing my ex, my now good friend. I know that I don't want to be in a relationship with him again, I think I'm just missing his friendship and company lately. He's a good person. Maybe it's telling me something too, about the current disharmony that's occurring in my new romance.

another day another month

I'm in my new place now, but still faced with the task of moving the stuff from out of my old place, and getting rid of a ton of it. I like how empty the new place is, to be honest. I'd love to live that minimally. I'm really clean there, too. I pick up after myself, make the bed. I'm a different person, and I like her. But when I'm at the studio, it's overwhelming, and to avoid that, I find myself wanting to eat out of stress, frustration, fear, etc. And I haven't been able to go to yoga or exercise at all in the past few weeks. Ugh .

I've been really productive this week, and that makes me feel really good. I always feel so much better about myself when I'm working well and getting things done. Now, if I could just banish my desires to eat everything in sight.

I'm dating a new guy. He's really tall and thin; totally my physical ideal. But I'm starting to feel ashamed of my own body. Uncomfortable with it, and I think it's coming across. There have been a lot of times in the last week where I have felt that I just want to be solely alone, without any boy, just me and my work and time to myself with friends here and there. Left to work on myself and figure out some more things. I wouldn't mind it. I'm resisting falling for this guy too much, and trying to keep it quite casual.

There's this part of me that wants to be thin thin thin as a rail, because I know that it would feel so good. But then there's this overwhelming urge to shovel food into my mouth. What's the solution? Eating vast quantities of carrots and lettuce? Maybe that could work.

I think realistically, I just need to start doing yoga and exercising more. That will banish these urges. I need my rest, I need my "me" time. Saying NO more often. Trying to be kinder to myself. I'm trying, but it's not without it's obstacles.

I did it

Well, the opportunity came today.

First of all, I will just say that the torture of the unknown is over with. My mind is at ease.

I saw my dream boy today. He came into the store where I was. I felt my face flushing red. I looked cute. I knew this was my chance. I waited outside and then said hi, stammered a bit but managed to just ask him out. I felt so flustered, and was probably the brightest shade of red ever. With a slight pause, he told me he had a girlfriend.

Honestly, I feel so much better than I thought I ever would. A tremendous weight has been lifted off of me. I know, I can process this, and move right along. It's a relief more than anything. Sure, it would've been awesome if he had said yes and had been single. But say la vie. Or however you spell that in French.

I walk away from it feeling good. 1. I feel proud of myself for having the courage to do it. 2. I feel confident that I could do it again. 3. I don't need to hold on to my workspace here any longer. 4. I am FREE of this obsession! 5. I can think about better things, work more productively, and NOT leave my building every hour in the hopes of running into him.

I feel quite good, surprisingly. Moments later, I called to tell Nathan that I did it, my call was then interrupted by another boy that I went out with for coffee the other day. He called to ask me on a second date. Life is funny isn't it? Oh, yeah, I also had a really great time on my date last night with yet another boy. My options are open, and my dance card is filling up on its own. Life feels quite nice right now.

I'm just really proud of myself. I'm not a chicken anymore. I go for what I want. Sometimes I may not always get it, but I can accept this is the way these things are meant to be working themselves out in some sort of master plan.